2012 Goals: The Reckoning

Last year, I took a bold step and put my yearly goals on my blog, in hopes that putting them out there would prevent my usual lazy loser approach to keeping New Year's resolutions.  I am tentatively confident that there was some wisdom in this, because this has definitely been one of my better years in terms of setting and achieving goals.

So, here is the breakdown:

Physical

• Be more conscious of what and how much I'm eating.  

Check!  I tracked my food on the iphone app "My Fitness Pal" pretty consistently from January through October.  Since then, I've been monitoring myself a couple times a week. 

• Do 30 minutes of heart healthy exercise a day

Mostly Check!  I've been averaging exercising 4 times a week.  I either do videos at home or go walk/running.  I've started exercising with a friend most days, which helps keep me motivated.

• Do as many sit-ups and push-ups as I can in a row before getting into the shower.  

Fail, but not really... So, I never actually did that, except for maybe two days in January.  I decided instead to do circuit-training workouts that incorporate resistance exercises and cardio, so I'm actually doing more than my goal.

These healthier habits have resulted in losing 15 pounds this year, which feels great.  

Spiritual

• Continue reading the scriptures and praying daily. 

Sometimes check... There is a reason why this is a goal for me every year.  I would say I average 4 days a week? 

Organizational

• Organize one area in my home at a time, starting with the most problematic area first and working methodically. 

Sort of check.  I have made some progress is some areas (my room, the living/dining room), but I haven't exactly made the whole-house sweep I was planning to.

 Household

• Decorate one area at a time.  

Check!  I have been much better at just working on one area at a time until I am done, rather than doing a little here, a little there.  I am 90% happy with the living/dining room.  I am 80% there with the master bedroom.  I decorated Damon's room as a surprise for him in the Fall.

Parenting

• Brainstorm with my husband about what is most important for each child right now and work on doing that thing.  

Fail!  I have been thinking about this, but I haven't really ever brainstormed with my husband, which I think is the most important part of this goal.  It's a good idea, though!

• Figure out a reasonable system that encourages our kids to be more responsible and self-motivated with their chores, homework, etc.  

Partial Check.  I have done three different mutations of chore charts this year.  Each has had its pros and cons.  Bottom line, all require parental follow-through, and that is sometimes lacking on my end.  I feel like we've made some progress this year, though, and I am planning on continuing to make progress this next year in terms of encouraging responsibility among my kids.

Social

• Start a book group.  

Check!  This has been great!  I should have started one right when we moved here instead of languishing friendless for so long...  It's nice to have a reason to read and wonderful people to share my thoughts with.

• Put a little more thought and effort into date night.  

Partial check.  I'd have to give myself a B- for date night thought and effort, but that has been movement in the right direction.  This is probably just an attempt at pitiful self-justification, but maybe it's actually okay that we keep our dates simple--that I don't even mind the occasional Home Depot date (and truthfully, that would be something I'd suggest long before Aaron would).

All in all, I think I had a good year last year.  This optimism may be inflated by the fact that I am usually a pretty terrible New Year's resolution keeper, but I'll take it.   

Mental Health Prescription #1: Nuture Your Spirit

Disclaimer: This is an unabashedly Christian, religious post.  If that is not your cup of tea, happily skip it and come back in a few weeks for a more general post :).  I would also be interested in any comments about what you do to nurture your spirit in your own way.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I hope that's not really true. Because I have good intentions to blog, and I often post something that alludes to a future post as though it's immediately forthcoming, and then wait months before I do anything about it.

However, like most good things that I procrastinate, I get to them eventually.  Thus, here we are.

After my last post, I've been continuing to work on becoming happier.  At the center of this effort has been doing what I need to do spiritually so that Jesus can help heal my heart and open my eyes to the joy in my life.

For most of my life, I've thought that Jesus' sacrifice was mostly for sinners and for big sins--you know, the "big 10" :).  I knew theoretically that I, like everyone else, was by definition a sinner and that I thus needed his atonement.  I believed that his sacrifice was necessary and that he loved me, but because I was defining sin so narrowly and not sinning in super visible and traditional ways, I often struggled with understanding how Jesus fit into MY life.  So I consequently kind of did my own thing.  I was living my life like I was a spy on a covert operation in deep cover, trying hard to fulfill my mission but not checking in with headquarters very often. 


However, there were huge, difficult parts of my life that I found overwhelming--things like depression/discouragement, personal weaknesses, disappointments, frustrations, fear, feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, difficult relationships.  But since most of these things didn't seem to fall under the "sin" category, I just soldiered on, praying for God's help but not really taking the time to understand how he could help me with these burdens.


Part of my problem was too much humility, and part of it was too much pride.  Too much humility because I would think that I don't deserve to ask the Savior for help with my "First World Problems" when there are people with really terrible problems out there.  I felt like I just needed to stop whining and buck up.  Too much pride made me think that I was doing just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch--what could Jesus do for me, anyway?  Either way, it was a lack of faith and lack of understanding about Christ's role in my life.


 However, several months of protracted stresses and sadnesses earlier this year softened my heart to the idea that I couldn't do my life, any of it, the way I'd been trying to do it.  I couldn't do it on my own.  I tried at first to do lots of other things to cope with that helpless feeling--shop, eat (bad idea), exercise, distract myself with computer stuff, talk it out with people who love me.  All of these can be or should be part of a healthy life, but they don't get at the core of life's problems on their own.  My search to find something--anything!--to help me feel better makes me think that most of the sins we silly humans commit or the addictions we may have are often just imbalanced attempts to find the peace that only comes through God. 


In desperation, I started to realize that despite church-going and serving, I needed to learn how to truly "come unto Jesus" one-on-one.  It's not that I haven't felt his love and help throughout my life, but I definitely felt like I had lost that easy connection with him over the last few years.  My reaction when things have been difficult has been to turn inward rather than turning towards him.


I started to study the scriptures and other books about the Atonement with a new intensity.  I read conversion stories of people in the Bible and Book of Mormon and was reminded that Jesus came to heal us in every way.  Anything that weakens us, or saddens us, or hurts us, or separates us from him is on the table.  If he can heal Paul, or Peter, or the woman in the New Testament who had been bleeding for years, or Alma or Enos--he can heal me, too.  Completely.  Miraculously.  Graciously.


In order to be able to access the Savior's healing power, however, I've had to get some of my own ducks in a row. The process has involved first learning more about who Jesus is and how he helps us.  I have a feeling that this learning will be a life-long process.  I then had to do some serious soul-searching to figure out what I need help with (what are the REAL problems?), which is not as easy as it sounds.  Lots of the things we think are the problems, are really just symptoms.  The last step is to humbly ask for his will and his help in that thing and open my heart to his help, guidance and blessings.  This has been hard for me--both to pay enough attention to recognize my needs and weaknesses and then to ask for help.   


The good news is that this process works.  It is repentance.  I know that this is why Jesus came here to earth--to allow all who are willing to come unto him and be healed from all their infirmities, again and again.  Jesus is real, and his love and power has transformed my heart the last few weeks from ingratitude and despair to joy and thankfulness.  My life isn't miraculously easy for me all of a sudden, but I feel like my burden of sadness has really been lifted.  And that feels very, very good.  

My Mental Health Sabbatical

So, I feel that something of an explanation is in order for my sudden three-month sabbatical from the world of blogging.  I've deliberated about whether I wanted to go into this in such a public forum, but I feel like it might be something that helps other parents, and especially Moms, out there.  So here goes.

I haven't been blogging because frankly, I've been pretty miserable for the last few months.  Not quite every day miserable, but more days miserable than not miserable.  Crying multiple times in a day several days a week.  Feeling irrationally angry and out of control.  Trying to put on a normal face when I'm feeling anything-but inside.

And I am telling you, this is not a nice way to live.

It is hard for me to understand why I have been so sad.  After all, I know enough about life and the greater world to know that I live a pretty stinking charmed life.  I know I do.  I can see all my blessings laid out in a neat line and recognize how lucky I am.

I have a truly good husband who loves me despite my imperfections and who makes me laugh. I have six beautiful kids who fill me with swelling pride on a regular basis both for their accomplishments and for their characters.  We are doing well financially.  I have a spiritual life that brings me peace.  I feel like I have all the things that really matter.

But somehow, knowing that you are blessed and ought to be happy and feeling happy and blessed are two different things.  Sometimes counting your blessings actually makes you feel worse when you are sad, because you have to add "ungrateful" to your list of reasons to feel bad about yourself :).

Now, I find that I have two choices when I am stuck in a rut: stay there, or start analyzing things to figure out how to get out.  How did I get in this rut?  What do I need that I am not currently getting?  What situations made me fall there in the first place?

I always find it interesting that when I am feeling down that other people's advice tends to be along the lines of "Take some time for yourself..."  I get that I need time for myself, but people say this as though shopping or manicures can solve real problems and real sadness.  I really do like shopping and even manicures as much as the next woman, but they don't solve problems of the soul.

However (and at risk of sounding too brightly optimistic when I am at best only tentatively so), I've figured out a few things I need to do that have helped me to start to claw myself out of this pit.  To be a happy person and a happy mom, this is what has been lacking:

• Create order.  Have a system in place that creates better order in our home and in my life.  In short, be more organized and make sure my kids do their share.
• Exercise regularly.  I have often figured that if I don't mind not looking like a super-model, that regular exercise beyond the demands of being an active mom was optional.  I do not think I am in any danger of looking like a super model any time soon (more's the pity), but I am learning that if I don't exercise for a few days, I get grumpy.  Who knew :)?
• Feed my spirit daily through prayer, scripture/inspirational reading and thoughtful contemplation and journalling.  I can nearly always trace a horrible day (or week) back to a failure to do these things.
• Check my expectations, and keep them in check.  Like a lot of at-home moms, I seem to think that I should be able to do everything right now--brilliant kids, beautiful home, perfect marriage, wonderful food, worthwhile volunteering, time to develop personal talents and career, etc.  Well, surprise--I can't do all of it, all the time--and that is absolutely normal and fine.  Keeping my expectations low seems like a lame cop-out, but it actually makes me happier with myself and my kids.
• Let myself feel what I feel, and figure out how to healthfully process my emotions.  I need to be unafraid to be real with myself and with others, instead of trying to pretend that everything is fine when it isn't.  When I do that, I stuff all the negative stuff, let it build up and then it comes out in ugly and inopportune ways.  
• Let go of perfectionism. Bottom line, the reason I even want to maintain a facade of perfectionism is due to unhealthy pride.  I like to be self-sufficient, and that is good.  But it is other people's realness that draws us to them, not their perfectionistic facade, and trying to pretend you aren't sad or that you aren't struggling is like trying to pretend you aren't drowning--it doesn't work.

I am still taking it one day at a time, corny as it sounds, but I can cautiously say that I'm starting to feel better.  It feels so very good to enjoy things again and have more of a sense of humor about life's downs.  I'm going to blog a little more about each of the things that have been helping me over the next few weeks. 

How about you?  What do you do when you find yourself stuck in the pit of despair*?                           * Princess Bride reference intended :)

Friday Night Must-See T.V.

My eyes have been glued to my T.V. screen every Friday night for the last few weeks.  That is unlike me, because with the exception of "Downton Abbey",  I can't think of many shows that qualify as must-see T.V. for me.


The reason for my interest is admittedly biased.  My little brother is on T.V. !  It is true.  He is one of the cast of a new reality TV series called "Bering Sea Gold" on the Discovery channel. 

Like most reality T.V. shows, there is plenty of drama and conflict.  There are some rascally characters who have a hard time keeping their language family-friendly.  So I recommend it with those caveats.

The weird thing about having someone you know really well on television is that it should feel really weird, but it doesn't.  At least not to me.   Maybe that's because I love and respect Ian so much.  For once, someone who is actually a good person can be quasi-famous.


Which is not to say that anyone has shown any interest in keeping up with our family anytime soon--which is a good thing.  Unlike my brave brother, my idea of hell would be to have someone filming my life for weeks at a time.  I have too many moments I'm not proud of.


I am proud of him--not so much for being on T.V., but for being secure enough with himself to let all of America into his life--the good, the bad and the ugly.  He didn't do so lightly.  He has been  a little worried, hoping that the way he was portrayed on the show would accurately reflect the Christ-like person he is trying to become.  That speaks volumes about the kind of man he is.  


Although to be honest, as a big sister, I somehow always remember him as a little kid (he's the one on the far right in the picture below).  You've gotta have someone keeping you humble, right? :)

Busy, Busy, Bathroom

We are busy, busy, as usual.  We also started having our master bathroom remodeled this week.  I wish I could brag that it is me and my husband sweating it out, but I have to admit that we have hired a contractor and it is nice knowing it will be done soon, with minimal stress on our parts, other than enduring the noise and mess that comes with remodeling.

So I've been able to concentrate on the fun part: the design.  I want to feel like I stepped into a sunny day at the beach every time I go in my bathroom.  I also want a more contemporary look than I normally go for.  I just like a bathroom to feel (and hopefully be) clean.  Here are some inspiration photos I pinned:

Via Decorpad

via Google Images

I love the open vanity and beachy feel.  

Love the outdoor tropical shower

Here is a sneek peek of what we are doing:

Shower tile (Silver vein-cut travertine for $3/square foot from Craigslist)


Floor tile (Grey limestone, $4 a square foot, another Craigslist find)


Vanity--just waiting for cute baskets of towels, etc., on the bottom:

Showerhead:



Paint Color:



Right now we have a hole in our kitchen ceiling, and everything in our bathroom is gone except the floors and the wall.  We had our rusty, galvanized pipes replaced as well, and we are loving the water pressure in our one working shower.  They installed the Hardiboard in the shower, and we are now living in a house that looks basically normal except for the light coating of drywall dust that has settled over everything.  I never thought I'd say it, but I just really want to be able to clean my house....  Right now, there is no point.

But man, am I glad that we can afford to remodel our bathroom right now.  It is going to function and look sooooo much better.  I'll post some more progress pictures in a few days.

Snow Days

One of the great things about living in Western Washington is that it doesn't snow very often.  The weather is rainy, sure, but it is also blessedly mild.  You can practically wear the same clothes all year, just adding a jacket when it gets cooler and subtracting it when it gets warmer.

However, when it does snow, everything grinds to a halt.  Most cities do not have snowplows, you see.  It's probably hard to justify expensive equipment that you typically only need once a year at most.  Without snowplows, and with temperatures that are usually trampolining around freezing, it means that the snow on the roads melts during the day and then freezes at night.  The treacherous road conditions are compounded because so many drivers are inexperienced snow drivers.  Really, once it starts snowing, it is better to just stay home if you possibly can.  People try to keep enough groceries on hand so they won't need to go to the store.  After that, you kind of burrow in for a few days.  It kind of reminds me of Laura Ingalls Wilder's description of her childhood winters in Little House in the Big Woods.



As a child growing up in the 19-80's, snow meant tuning into a special AM radio station where the announcer would read off all the school districts and whether they were cancelled or delayed.  Delayed meant school would start a few hours late--which was better than nothing.  But cancelled is what you really wanted. Cancelled school meant a surprise holiday with built-in entertainment in the form of playing in the snow.

In addition to school cancellations, most activities that are not essential just get cancelled when there has been any kind of snow accumulation.  So snow in Western Washington means you have an excuse to stay home and get cozy.  Sigh.  Staying home and getting cozy is my favorite thing to do no matter what the weather.  So what could be better?  

My parents live in a semi-rural area, so snow storms when I was growing up often meant power outages.  We heated our home with a wood stove, so we were still warm even if the power went out.  We could cook on the wood stove as well--we had one memorable Thanksgiving where had to cook our turkey we on the top of our wood stove (moistest ever, by the way).  It was both cozy and fun to feel like we really were Laura Ingalls Wilder, stuck at home because of the snow, cooking on a wood stove.  Although maybe my mom has different feelings about those power outages...

My family had a great day yesterday.  The kids who were old enough spent the day playing in the snow with friends, coming in to de-thaw, then going out again.  It's was like a party out there with all the neighborhood kids coming out to play in the snow.  Usually, the wet weather means everyone in the neighborhood digs into their houses like moles and we don't see each other until the Spring.  I enjoyed the luxury of not having to go anywhere for a change, and just plain puttered: helping the kids, doing laundry, making copycat Great Harvest bread, making homemade bread crumb mixture out of leftover pita bread, cleaning the kitchen, making granola and decorating a mirror frame for my living room.  I love puttering around my house, and snow days let me do it to my heart's content.  Here's a sneak peek of what I'm doing to my mirror frame:



We learned some important things yesterday.  For example, Nutella hot chocolate is delicious.  And Washington snow is much wetter than Utah snow.  Playing with friends is fun.  Taking some extra time to love my home and get caught up on chores makes me feel happy.

We lived in Utah for about 15 years.  There, snow is an expected and regular part of winter.  For the most part, life goes on as usual, and it just means inconvenience--only extreme weather gives you a break.  I'm grateful to live where I do and to have an excuse to slow down and enjoy my family and home once in a while.  Thank you, Mother Nature.

And today?



It's another snow day.  Oh yeah.   

A New Year

This year started a little strangely because of my Dad's stroke.  I think my whole family feels like we are in limbo emotionally.  One of my sons summed it up when he said, "I keep wondering if I'm going to come home from school one day and I'll find out that Grandpa died."  So there we are--needing to go about our daily routine, but feeling preoccupied with our worry for my Dad.

He's been transferred to a skilled nursing facility closer to my parents' home (but farther away from me).  They are hoping that being somewhere a little more low-key will allow him to rest and get more energy so he will have the strength to do more aggressive physical therapy and get some mobility back on his left side.  We are all hoping he can get stronger so he can get better.  He's made a little bit of encouraging progress this week, so I hope he can continue on that upward path.

I've realized that I do need to go about my normal life as much as possible just to keep myself emotionally healthy for my kids (and for myself).  For me, that includes making some goals and resolutions and plans for the new year.

I usually am not a person who likes to tell other people about my plans and goals.  I guess it's mostly because I prefer to have my failures be private affairs :).  But I think it is useful to list a few things I'm planning this year in different dimensions of my life.  A little accountability might be good for me.  So here goes:

Physical

• Be more conscious of what and how much I'm eating.  I need to treat my body better, and overeating/eating junk makes me feel tired and cranky.  Food cannot solve my problems (except maybe chocolate...;) ).  I'm using a great iphone app called My Fitness Pal to track my food/water intake.  LOVE it.
• Do 30 minutes of heart healthy exercise a day--either take the kids on a brisk walk to the park or do some cardio with DVDs or the Wii.
• Do as many sit-ups and push-ups as I can in a row before getting into the shower.  My husband did that all year last year, and it is amazing how that couple of minutes really does make a difference in terms of muscle tone.  I know it is not a perfectly balanced strength plan, all you awesome exercisers out there, but doing something is much better than doing nothing.  Ah hem.  "Nothing" being where I am right now in terms of strength training.

Spiritual

• Continue reading the scriptures and praying daily.  I just feel better and live better when I do.  In the immortal words of M.C. Hammer, "You've got to pray just to make it today."  Storytime: One of my friends gave another friend that quote in vinyl lettering on a cute wooden block as a joke birthday present.  It was HI-larious.  The thought is true, of course :).

Organizational

• Organize one area in my home at a time, starting with the most problematic area first and working methodically.  I've already posted about my chicken-with-its-head cut off approach to doing lots of things, and it's not really working organizationally.  At all.  I'm starting with my laundry room.  It was clean for about 2 days in October, but it is pretty much back to this again.

Ugh.  Kind of overwhelming, but one step at a time, right?  I'm babystepping, I'm babystepping as I sort through my clutter...

 Household

• Decorate one area at a time.  I am starting with my living room, since that's the one I notice when I walk in and the one I've been working on, anyway.  Starting on a project that is already half-way done is always a shot in the arm. Incidentally, why is a shot in the arm a good thing, anyway? Ouch...  

Here's a sneek peek of a few things I've been doing in there already:

Parenting

• Brainstorm with my husband about what is most important for each child right now and work on doing that thing.  For example, one of my kids is feeling kind of insecure about his/her abilities despite the fact that he/she is a great kid and very talented.  We need to concentrate on helping this child feel good about him/herself--giving him/her opportunities to shine, give lots of positive feedback about his/her abilities and talents right now.  Look for the good things and compliment him/her.  Anyway, you get the idea.  Each of our kids has unique needs and this will help us focus on meeting those needs.
• Figure out a reasonable system that encourages our kids to be more responsible and self-motivated with their chores, homework, etc.  I've considered the Eyres' approach (in a nutshell, after the age of 8 kids "earn" money toward essential things--if they don't fulfill their responsibilities, they don't get money for clothes, activities, eating out, etc.), but I'm still torn about whether kids should be paid to do work for the family.  Hmmmmm. 

Social

• Start a book group.  I had the very best book group in Utah with some dear friends, and I miss them (and it) so much.  However, long-distance book groups don't work that well, and I know that having a focus for my reading and people to discuss it with makes me happy and will help me make and strengthen friendships.
• Put a little more thought and effort into date night.  We do go out every weekend (one of the joys of having kids with such a large spread of ages is that we have built-in babysitters), but sometimes the only thing I know for sure is that I want to go somewhere away from my house, without my kids

Well, I think those are enough to start with, don't you?  I'm excited to be working towards some positive outcomes for myself and our family.

What about you guys?  Have you set any resolutions you feel like sharing?  Or are you like I normally am and keeping your resolutions close to the vest?

My Dad's Hands

A (blurry) picture of a picture of my family when I was about 5 or so.  You can see my Dad's hand on my shoulder.

A few days ago, I received a call from my mom at about 10 p.m.  She was at the hospital with my Dad.  He had a stroke as they were leaving the women's minimum security prison where they do church work and was rushed to the hospital.



He was transferred to a big hospital in Seattle that night.  The clot of blood in his brain that caused the stroke had burst.  Now it is just a matter of keeping his blood pressure down, waiting for his body to absorb the excess, and hoping that he can heal.  His left side has been greatly affected--he can't wiggle his toes or fingers, move his arm or foot, or feel touch on his left side.  He is very, very tired, and his speech is slurred.  He can't eat normally yet, and gets most of his calories via a feeding tube that gives him what the nurses jokingly call "chocolate milkshake."  


His doctors and nurses are very capable and kind, and between my mom, my brother and my nephew, he has had around-the-clock care.


I've been to visit him three times so far.  The first day, I felt fine.  In fact, I felt bad that upon leaving the hospital, my thoughts immediately turned to what I should make for dinner for my family.  How can a person simultaneously cope with something huge and be worried about dinner at the same time?


The second day, what is going on really hit me for the first time.  When I came in his room, he woke up a little.  As I approached his bed, he reached for my hand with his right hand and pressed it to his lips.  I sat down next to him, and tried to make small talk as he held my hand.  He made a couple of jokes in his slurred speech about how he's felt better, and then grew quiet.  His eyes were on me, although he seemed to be struggling to focus.  Finally, his eyelids started to close and he fell asleep.  


He fell asleep holding my hand. 


We held hands as he napped, and I looked at his hand on mine.  The IV tape made the skin under it look whiter and smoother than the rest of the skin on his hand and arms.  I let my mind wander.



When I was a little girl, I was fascinated by my Dad's hands and arms.  They were so much bigger than mine, first of all.  I remember when my whole fist could fit curled up with his big hand all around it.  His hands could  do amazing things like drive a nail in a board with one blow of his hammer, but still manage to do gentle things like deftly remove slivers from my toes when I spent much of the summer barefoot.  


Dad's arms were always so strong.  When he came home from work, we ran to meet him and jumped all over him like a pack of playful wolves.  After we grew tired of the tickling and play wrestling, he sometimes caved into our demands that he flex his muscles.  When he did, all four of us hung onto his biceps, trying with our little fingers to flatten his muscles.  It never worked, but that was okay--we all ended up in a heap of giggles, so proud of our papa's strength.  When he would give hugs, they were big, strong hugs that blew half the wind right out of you.


The other thing that made his arms interesting to me as a kid was his tattoo on his right forearm.  I know tattoos have become so common that they are pretty ho-hum these days, but when I was growing up, tattoos were somewhat rare and spoke of rebellion and a checkered past--both kind of fascinating to contemplate, especially in your own dad.  On warm summer days, I liked to watch him fold up his long shirt sleeves carefully to 3/4 length--about 2 1/2 times--just enough that you could just see his tattoo peeking out under his cuff on his forearm.  It always made me smile/snicker to hear little children see his tattoo and ask, "What's that?" and then hear his classic reply, "That's a mistake.  It's just a mistake."


Dad worked outside in the days long before sunscreen was a given.  He wasn't a shirt-off kind of hooligan when he worked, so that meant he always had a ragin' farmer's tan.  When we went swimming as a family, we kids were always amazed at the impossible contrast between his forearm and his upper arm.  He always pretended to think it was funny when we teased him about it. 


Maybe some of the most tender memories I have of my father's hands are when he would hold each of my newborns with such gentleness and expertise.  He liked to hold the babies in front of him and look in their eyes, talking to them in a quiet voice.  When my oldest was born, we were actually living with my parents since the baby was due right after the end of a school semester and before we were heading off to an overseas internship in Germany.  When Brendan was finally born, he was fussy and I was inexperienced--we were a pitiful pair.  My Dad had just had a hip replacement, so he was something of a captive audience.  He would willingly hold Brendan on his lap, and gently keep his binky in his mouth so I could grab a quick shower and feel sort of human again.    





His doctors can probably cite cases like his where patients have experienced recovery, but also those who have not.  I feel like at minimum, our family has been put on notice, and it is a blessing to be able to have more time with him.  However, if this is his time to go, I feel ready to say good-bye if I need to.  I love him, and he loves me.  We have a little understanding, the two of us...  


And I know that this is not the end for him or for our family--he's just closer than we are to a glorious beginning.  He is truly in God's hands.


In the meantime, his hand still feels warm and comforting as it holds mine.  I don't know what the next weeks and months will bring, but for now, that is enough.

Merry Christmas!

"I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!  On a fripperious note, (yes, just made that word up right now) I like how our Christmas card turned out this year.  Brendan used Photoshop to create our card based on my specs.  He's taking a graphic design class at school, and I finally feel like his education is paying off :).  Yes, it's all about me...

We only had to do one head swap--can you tell which one?  I love that that lush green backdrop is our own backyard.  I feel so blessed to live in such a green and beautiful part of the world.

Speaking of blessings, Christmas always makes me feel such a sense of abundance.  Being with loved ones, keeping meaningful traditions, eating crazy amounts of tasty treats (well, maybe that's not such a great type of abundance ;) ).

We celebrated Christmas Eve by having a dinner with my parents, my uncle and brother.  After dinner, we played a zany musical chairs game while singing "The 12 Days of Christmas".  Then Aaron read Eugene Field's poem "Just 'Fore Christmas" (a tradition in his family and now ours).  The kids acted out the nativity while we read Luke 2, like we do every year.

 Then we sang "Stille Nacht" (Silent Night) as a family to honor our German roots, particularly my paternal Grandmother whose parents both came from Germany and who sang "Stille Nacht" every Christmas when my Dad was a boy.

The history of this world-famous song is lovely.  A pastor of a small town in Austria, Joseph Mohr, was planning Christmas Eve Mass.  He was worried because his church's organ has been damaged by flooding.  He unearthed a poem he had written several years before, and asked a friend of his (Franz Gruber) to set it to music. Gruber was able to write the song and perform it (with guitar accompaniment) that night. The rest is history.

The German hymn has six verses (compared to the English version's three).  It is interesting to see the literal translation of the hymn--the meaning is quite a bit different from the English version we normally sing.

1. Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Alles schläft; einsam wacht Nur das traute hochheilige Paar. Holder Knab im lockigten Haar, Schlafe in himmlischer Ruh! Schlafe in himmlischer Ruh!	1. Silent night! Holy night! All are sleeping, alone and awake Only the intimate holy pair, Lovely boy with curly hair, Sleep in heavenly peace! Sleep in heavenly peace!
2. Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Gottes Sohn! O wie lacht Lieb´ aus deinem göttlichen Mund, Da schlägt uns die rettende Stund´. Jesus in deiner Geburt! Jesus in deiner Geburt!	2. Silent night! Holy night! Son of God, O how he laughs Love from your divine mouth, Then it hits us - the hour of salvation. Jesus at your birth! Jesus at your birth!
3. Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Die der Welt Heil gebracht, Aus des Himmels goldenen Höhn Uns der Gnaden Fülle läßt seh´n Jesum in Menschengestalt, Jesum in Menschengestalt	3. Silent night! Holy night! Which brought salvation to the world, From Heaven's golden heights, Mercy's abundance was made visible to us: Jesus in human form, Jesus in human form.
4. Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Wo sich heut alle Macht Väterlicher Liebe ergoß Und als Bruder huldvoll umschloß Jesus die Völker der Welt, Jesus die Völker der Welt.	4. Silent night! Holy night! Where on this day all power of fatherly love poured forth And like a brother lovingly embraced Jesus the peoples of the world, Jesus the peoples of the world.
5. Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Lange schon uns bedacht, Als der Herr vom Grimme befreit, In der Väter urgrauer Zeit Aller Welt Schonung verhieß, Aller Welt Schonung verhieß.	5. Silent night! Holy night! Already long ago planned for us, When the Lord frees from wrath Since the beginning of ancient times A salvation promised for the whole world. A salvation promised for the whole world.
6. Stille Nacht! Heilige Nacht! Hirten erst kundgemacht Durch der Engel Alleluja, Tönt es laut bei Ferne und Nah: Jesus der Retter ist da! Jesus der Retter ist da!	6. Silent night! Holy night! To shepherds it was first made known By the angel, Alleluia; Sounding forth loudly far and near: Jesus the Savior is here! Jesus the Savior is here! from About.com

I am so grateful for the Christmas season--for the chance to glory not only in the abundance of friends and family, gifts and treats, but in the abundance of life that only comes through Jesus Christ.

In case you are like me and can't get enough of great Christmas music, here is a link to a video of the Thomanerchor (St Thomas Boy's Choir) singing "Stille Nacht".

 Merry Christmas!

Pie! Pie! Pie! (and Chocolate Mousse Cake Recipe)

Thanksgiving is only a few days away (did you know? :) ).

Anyway, I'm hosting 16 people, which will be fun but hectic.

I love all parts of the Thanksgiving meal, but I really, really, really love pie.  So does the rest of my family.  We may love pie a little too much, in fact.

We even have a family song about pie.  My husband writes and records songs as a hobby.  A few Thanksgivings ago, in an attempt to keep the hungry hordes out of my way in the kitchen, he made up a great song.  It is aptly entitled, "Pie" and features a resounding chorus of "Pie! Pie! Pie!" (repeated about a million times).

Our pie obsession may have gone a little too far.  Most Thanksgivings, our pie to people ratio is 1:1.  That's when I started to realize that we may need a pie intervention sooner rather than later.

However, since we have so many people coming this year, I am happy to report that our pie to people ratio will be more like 1:2, which feels a little more respectable somehow.  We will be having: 2 pumpkin, 1 apple, 1 peach, 2 key lime, 2 chocolate cream and a pumpkin cheesecake.

In the meantime, my little brother's birthday was on Sunday, and I made him a Chocolate Mousse Cake with a shortbread crust.  Really, I think it should be considered a pie--it has a crust after all.  I guess cheesecake does, too, though.  Confusing.

Anyway, pie/cake distinctions aside, it was delicious.  It is sort of like eating a great big truffle in a shortbread cookie crust.  In other words, heavenly.  It is perfect when eaten just a little warm with whipping cream (don't even think about using Coolwhip) or a scoop of ice cream on top (or both, like we did ;) ).  Also, this crust is great to use for any pie that calls for a graham cracker crust in case you're still looking for pie inspiration.

Shortbread Crust

1/2 cup butter

1/2 cup finely chopped nuts

1/2 tsp finely shredded lemon peel OR 1/2 tsp extract (almond or vanilla)

1 cup flour

2 T sugar

Mix all the ingredients together until you have a cohesive rubble (I use my Kitchenaid with the flat paddle).  Then press into the bottom and an inch and a half up the sides of a Springform pan (or pie plate, if using it for a different recipe).

Chocolate Mousse Cake/Pie

2 8-ounce packages (16 squares) semi-sweet chocolate, chopped up (or use 16 oz. good-quality chocolate chips, like I did)

1 cup whipping cream

6 beaten eggs

3/4 cup sugar

1/3 cup all-purpose flour

Melt and stir chocolate and cream over low heat until chocolate melts (or microwave on medium or using your microwave's melt setting).  Transfer to a large bowl.  Combine eggs, the 3/4 cup sugar, and flour: beat 10 minutes or until thick and lemon-colored.  Fold 1/4 of the egg mixture into the chocolate mixture, then fold chocolate mixture into remaining egg mixture.  Pour into crust-lined Springform pan.

Bake in a 325 degree oven for 55 minutes or until puffed around the edge and halfway to the center (center will be slightly soft).  Place on a cooling rack.  Cool 20 minutes and remove sides of pan.  Cool for 4 hours.  Chill leftovers.  Serves 16 (it is really rich).

If I don't manage another post before then, I hope you all have a happy, delicious, blessed Thanksgiving surrounded by the people you love!

Oh, also--I was very moved to read about another blogger's experience with a premature birth and loss of her baby here.  Definitely grab a tissue before you follow that link, though.  What a sweet, faithful Mama, and what a poignant reminder to me to make sure I tell my Heavenly Father how grateful I am to be the mother of six healthy children.

Lessons Learned Lately

I am either delusional or optimistic.  Either way, I never finish my to-do list.  Maybe I will again someday when I don't have so many beloved "distractions" around who need such constant attention.  Then again, maybe I put more on my to-do list than anyone could actually accomplish, ever.  And really, I am not necessarily looking forward to all my "distractions" leaving.

Having someone else do your remodeling costs a lot of money.  We have received multiple bids for flooring, windows, garage doors, totally re-doing our master bathroom, replacing our all-galvanized water pipes and doing some electrical updates.  We are sitting back and letting the high costs absorb until we are willing to cough up the dough.  If the shock doesn't wear off, we may have to figure how to carve out time in our hectic lives to do-it-ourselves.  Noooooooo!

Costco shopping is a 4-hour chore, if you count putting it all away.  I love Costco, but it is very time (and money :) ) consuming.

I love hand-me-downs.  I have been getting the next size of clothes out for Lucy, and it has been fun to see lots of cute things that Sophie used to wear, as well as donations from cousins and friends.  It's also been fun to package up the things she's grown out of to give to some friends at church who are expecting baby girls.

Volunteering at school is fun.  I was an art docent (taught an hour-long art class) in Lukas' class this week and it was precious.  We did chalk drawings of leaves in the style of Georgia O'Keefe.  Some of his classmates made me drawings and notes to say thanks.  One of the kids (who had chalk all over his face and on his arms up to his elbow) came up and said: "This is the funnest thing I've done all week."  Awesome.

80's sitcoms sure were innocent.  We've been streaming "Alf" from Amazon (lots of free content with a Prime membership) and our kids think it's hilarious.  It is definitely in the "so-stupid-it's-funny" camp, but I was struck by how much edgier/raunchier lots of prime time T.V. comedy is now.  Times they are a changin'.  

Getting anything extra accomplished around my house takes a looooong time.  It seems like a two steps forward, three steps back sort of deal.

Trying not to eat sugar for a month is hard, but I feel a lot better when it is a very restricted part of my diet--doh!  One of my good friends threw down a "No-sugar November" gauntlet and I couldn't resist.  Yes, if she jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, I would be right behind her :).  I am definitely a sugar-a-holic.  I need a 12-step program, but I am doing a pretty good job myself, one day at a time.

When your newly daytime potty-trained 4-year-old (hooray!) falls asleep on the couch sans pull-up, and a voice inside you tells you to put a pull-up on him "just in case", you should listen to that voice.  Just sayin'.

And last, before climbing on sculptures in parks and having a fun photo-op with your family, you should really read the signs nearby.  People walked by and I thought they were just smiling bemusedly at my cute family's antics, but I think they were thinking, "What a bunch of idiots!" to themselves.  I can hardly blame them.

I have a few fun posts planned for next week (I've been sewing up a storm!), so stay tuned!

Homecoming at Home

I have been completely missing in action the last week or so, because I agreed to do a very daring thing.  I guess Brendan isn't the only brave one in our family, after all.

He was going to his first Homecoming dance on Saturday, after asking in a dramatic way a few weeks ago.  My husband and I encouraged him to have a few of his friends and their dates come to our house for dinner instead of going to a restaurant.  We figured that the food would be better, it would be cheaper, and it would be fun for our family to work together to prepare and present this kind of evening.  We told him that 8-10 people would be a perfect number.

When a bunch of his friends got word of the event, they wanted in.  As in, at the final tally, we served 35 teenagers dinner.  Yikes!

  
 

We accommodated everyone by pushing all our furniture in our family room to the sides and bringing in tables and chairs conveniently stolen borrowed from our church (we did give them back, I promise).  Two other moms who are a-maz-ing cooks (amazing to the point that I have to really try to not feel completely jealous/insecure around them in the kitchen) did the majority of the cooking.  I made a bunch of decorations earlier in the week, and then I (with help from my mom and another nice mom who volunteered at the last minute) decorated and hosted.  My husband hauled tables and chairs like a maniac, vacuumed and held down the fort with the younger kids and their soccer games that afternoon while I worked feverishly all day to prepare.  The younger kids all pitched in, too, working like house elves.  Literally, see?



Hey, even House Elves need a break.  S.P.E.W., unite :) !

House elves, because their Homecoming had a Harry Potter theme.

Is that not the coolest Homecoming Week theme ever!!?!  

Anyway, in homage of Harry Potter, we served the guests butterbeer as they were arriving and taking pictures.  It was pretty good, by the way.  Fairly close to the stuff we drank at Harry Potter World last February.

About a half-hour before we were due to start, I was worriedly mulling over what a fool I am for taking on projects like this when I seem to have enough to do just keeping clean underwear in people's drawers.

But half-way through the evening, I got one of those happy, "this was worth the sacrifice" kind of satisfying feelings.  Having 35 teenagers in our home was a delight, our carpet remained unscathed despite serving sparkling grape juice (don't quite know why I approved that idea :) ) and I think it'll be something they will all remember for a long, long time.




Anybody else bitten off more than you can chew lately, but loved every minute of it like I did :)?  

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread

 MMMMMmmmmmmmmmm.  Pumpkin bread.

This is my favorite recipe for Pumpkin Bread and is guaranteed to make your house smell Autumnal and Amazing (what is it with me and alliteration?  Enough already! :) ).

The original calls for raisins, and I love raisins--just not in most baked goods.  They get all slimy and bloated.  Not very appetizing, see?

But substituting chocolate chips is genius, if I do say so myself, even though I can't take credit for the idea of pairing pumpkin and chocolate.  When I first moved to Utah to begin college, my sister would come visit every so often.  When she did, she would go get some groceries for me at a local grocery store called Smith's (sadly no relation).  They made something delicious there called pumpkin chocolate chip cookies--I realize that probably they have been around for ever, but to me, these cookies were a revelation.  If you haven't tried them, I recommend them highly.

So anyway, onto the recipe, which comes by way of Deb Drake from The San Francisco West Portal Lutheran Church's cookbook.  Church cookbooks are the best!  It was my maternal Grandmother's church, and she gave my mom, my sister and me each a copy for Christmas the year before she passed away.  Cooking from it makes me happy, remembering her.

Okay, really--onto the recipe.


Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread

2/3 cup butter
2 2/3 cups sugar
4 eggs
1 lb. pumpkin (I use canned usually, but it also works with one you bake and puree yourself, too)
2/3 cups water
3 1/2 cups any mix of white and whole wheat flour (I use finely ground white whole wheat, but anything works)
1/2 tsp ground cloves (the original recipe called for more cloves and less cinnamon, but I like this mix better)
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. cardamon (cheapest source is from a whole foods bulk spice aisle--don't pay $10+ a bottle at the grocery store!)
1/2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips (or 9 ounces roughly chopped chocolate)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Generously grease two 9" x 5" loaf pans.  Cream butter and sugar until fluffy.  beat in eggs until well blended.  Stir in pumpkin and water, mixing well.  Sift dry ingredients (or just fluff them around in the bowl after you dump them on top of the wet ingredients like I do :) ).  Stir into pumpkin. just until blended.  Add chocolate chips or chocolate.  Divide into pans.  Bake for approximately 50-60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out cleanish with no batter stuck to it.  I usually just poke the center gently with my finger and when it is solid instead of mushy when you push it, it is done.

Enjoy my favorite taste (ok, one of 'em) of Autumn.




I'm linking up to: Modern Country Style's Fall in Love link party.